CLEARWATER BEACH June 4, 2008. Part of our 2 week vacation.

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Christmas at grandma Vivian's and a few bonus pics 2007

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My grandma died November 19, 2007

I haven't been on my blog in months so I figured I'd better update it. Well, today is January 1, 2008 so HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! So...remember my grandpa died on 9/4/07 and I wrote about that, well, my grandma died on 11/19/07 which was the week of Thanksgiving. I can't believe that God took her just two months after taking my grandpa. I last saw the both of them on his 95th bday at the nursing home on 8/27/07. I was going to go back to see grandma again in October but it never happened so I was going to just wait until after my 3rd Anatomy and Physiology test was over but she died two weeks before that test.

On Thanksgiving Day my aunt, my cousin and her kids and my mother came over with a lot of pictures of my grandma from her baby years - the 80s. I had pics of her in the 90s that I had taken and my cousin had pics of her that were within the last 2 years and so did I. I was to put the pictures on a DVD to music and make a slideshow to play at the funeral home. I was up all night without any sleep because I was having a heck of a time getting the slideshow to actually burn to the DVD. I ended up going to the viewing the next day without the DVD. All we could do was play the pictures off my hard drive. I finally got a DVD made a week later but forgot some pictures I needed to have on there so I redid the DVD again and made a lot of copies of it for people as Cmas gifts. It's really cool!!! I cry everytime I see it. I hope everyone had a great Cmas and have a Happy New Year!!!!

Christmas 2007 :)

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An updated pic of me and some of my family

Thought I'd give everyone an updated pic of me. The only one I have is this one from 9/7/07 and I'm on the far right with my legs crossed. In this picture are my two sisters, my cousin and her youngest, my mother and aunt and a couple members of the family I have never seen or don't remember ever seeing. This pic was also taken at my grandpa's funeral...why is it that it takes a funeral or a wedding to get family to come together???

Laura

My girls with their cousins

Hello all! Thought you would like to see an updated pic of my girls (striped shirt is Felicia and Skyelar is in the front left) and my nieces and nephew. This was taken 9/7 at my grandpa's wake. I was glad to get them all to stand still for the picture! Everyone is getting so big!

Laura

Wow, long time since wrote

I guess with school, I haven't gotten on my blog. I don't think anyone looks at it anyway but if you do...PLEASE POST me something nice so I can reply to you and know I have people looking at it. I am VERY busy with school right now so I don't play online much. What's been happening other than school is that my grandpa died 9/4/07 sometime after 10pm in his nursing home. My grandma is still there and she has Alzheimer's so she doesn't know or realize grandpa is gone. They were married 41 years when he died. Grandpa was married to his first wife 22 years when she died. He was a widow for 10 years in between Margaret and my grandma Virginia. My grandpa was 95 when he died and we buried him on 9/8 in Greenwood. His wake was 9/7 in Zionsville. I cried so much from 9/5-9/9 that I got a really bad sinus infection. I am hoping that grandpa is having a lot of fun in Heaven right now with his first wife, his mother and father, brothers and sisters and his sons. He has 1 living son, 1 living daughter, and 2 step-daughters (my mom and aunt) but he has 3 sons in heaven because he lost a son who was in his 40's in 1992 and twin sons that died over 50 years ago. That's what gets me through the day now without crying is that he is happier where he is and he did live 95 years. Unfortuntely the last time we actually talked with him being in reality was when he was 91. I miss him very much! Hope some people post on my blog soon!

Things are getting better

hello all. Today is June 1, 2006 and Paul and I went to Celebrate Recovery at our church. I've been going since Nov. 2005 and tonight was Paul's 3rd time going. It was the first Recovery meeting in the new building, we had it in the gym. It was awesome! Paul is willing to be drug tested soon and seems to want to get it done. Since April we haven't had "contact" if you know what I mean because he needs to pass a drug test before we go back to "normal". I will be very proud of him when he passes his test. I also told him that I want him to pass a nicotine test too but that probably won't be til July because he's still smoking. So..right now things are looking up as we attend our Recovery meetings on Thu. nights and as we attend church together and look to JESUS to cure us and to heal our relationship. We need to completely surrender to Jesus and let HIM control our lives because when we try to control them we make our lives an utter mess.

Please continue to pray for Paul to be freed from any and all addictions and that I will work my 12 steps and lean on Jesus to help me with my issues. Thank you for all your prayers.

Laura

I think I will say something more

I just re-read my post from December 2005 when I said that I was worried Paul was doing drugs like when he would stay out past 3am and I'd call at like 2am and he'd say "I'm at my dad's" and then admit he really wasn't there but at his friend James' house. Well....on April 29, 2006 after a barmitzvah we attended, we came home and I had to bathe the kids and put them to bed. While I was about to do that I went into the living room and moved his jacket off the jacket to fix the couch cushion and felt a container of some kind thru his coat pocket. He was downstairs and I took this "something" out of the pocket. What to my wandering eyes should appear but....(not Santa either)....a container of something NOT GOOD. I won't get into what it was but it was NOT good at all and I started feeling VERY upset and shocked and (every emotion) and I also found a box of cigarettes after he said he quit in 2004. He's been smoking cigs when I am in bed or when he's not home and doing "other stuff" during those times as well. I put his jacket and those things in a bag and set it up somewhere and finished bathing the kids.

Paul comes upstairs searching for his jacket, going beserko looking for it and asking me where it was etc. And he kept going out to my car looking for his jacket and just looking under the couch and the cushions and everywhere going nuts for this jacket. Remember...I did not know he was doing these things. I've worried that he was doing drugs and wondering if he was smoking on the sly but had no PROOF of anything. I put the kids to bed thinking to myself, "Should I keep these things away from him for a day or two or a week or more and see how crazy he gets looking for his coat/things or should I have a little talk with him?" Well, he was driving me crazy looking for his coat and stuff and I went downstairs to get ready for bed cause we had church the next morning. He tells me he's going to go out AGAIN and look for his jacket.

I said, "Paul..what in the world is soo important about that jacket? You have more than one jacket!" and he said, "it's my rain jacket and I need it for tomorrow cause it's going to rain". I was like, "uh, ok...you don't need to go beserko looking for it." I told him to come into the bedroom and have a seat. He sat down and I locked the door behind me. I said, "I know where your jacket is and I know what's in it too." Right then he put his head down in shame or "uh oh I've been caught!" And he stared at the carpet. Mind you..I'm 31 and he's 30 and he should NOT be hiding things, lying, sneeking, acting like a kid and he KNOWS BETTER than to do what he was doing. He KNOWS I will NOT be with a smoker or a (you know what) of any kind. He knows that we will NOT be together if he does those things. He has known this since Feb. 1992 when we got together. Fourteen years later I am NOT going to change my mind!!! So...he's staring at the carpet and I'm talking calmly to him in a good tone of voice just saying, "you know what Paul. I go to Celebrate Recovery for my codependency issue and you need to go for your issues. Here's the deal with us...either you go to CR with me on Thu. nights from now on or we're history. I've had enough of the lies (he's adamently denied every accusation in the past 14 years concerning the things I just recently found) and I said, "I'm done. I'm totally done worrying about this and I'm not going to deal with it. I will take the kids and leave as soon as I can get money saved up or when the tax check comes next March or you are going to HAVE to get HELP and help NOW not later. Obviously you have an addiction and need help."

He ended up talking also when I asked him WHY he is doing it and I figured it was rebellion against me and he had an addiction to it and couldn't stop. He said it was a little of both. He also admitted to me a few days later that JAMES' house is where he always did (it) at and that he only gave (it) up for a little bit of time and restarted it soon after. He told my pastor in Jan. 2004 that he was FREE from (it) and then he got baptized Aug. 7, 2005 and he HATED anytime I EVER thought he had relapsed so I didn't talk about (it) much anymore after Jan. 2004. He admitted to me that he restarted in Summer 2005 so since it was not until Spring 2006 that I found out he was doing (it) again...he's been lying and hiding and sneeking for almost a solid year and not even blinking an eye about it. He's also been hanging out with gay men, for some reason, and that BOTHERS ME really badly. I don't get it! What is the matter with him?

He doesn't understand my problem with it. He doesn't hang anymore with straight men. He likes talking to a couple straight men at church but he doesn't "hang out" with them. His friends outside of work are just gay ones. So....what does this mean??? Someone at work thinks he perhaps is (both ways) and not "out of the closet" etc. etc. I NEVER thought of him in that way before but WHY WHY WHY then is his two best friends GAY MEN????? People at work told me "gay men do NOT hang out with straight men" and some said, "and straight men don't like hanging out with gay men". So....I'm worried about THAT now on top of everything else!!! And Paul lives here with me and our two girls ages 10 and 6 and we are supposed to be a FAMILY but he rather stay out til 3am hanging out with GAY men and doing BAD things and smoking cigs and he KNOWS I HATE IT and most of all GOD HATES IT. He doesn't hate the people he hates the ACT (the SIN). God loves the sinner but hates the sin. He hasn't told me to leave Paul or anything. He isn't saying anything about it. But WHAT in the world is Paul doing outside my home doors??? What is he doing at these gay men's houses? Are they going to gay bars too? What ELSE besides (the "it" thing) has or is he doing? What ELSE secrets is he hiding? I HATE the wondering and worrying and I can keep praying for him but it's easier to do if you didn't have to LIVE with him or think you were a "couple" with him and see him doing these things to you.

So....I welcome ANY AND ALL comments about this. Please comment and email me and tell me your thoughts. Please, above all, PRAY for Paul to stop sinning and turn his life completely over to Jesus instead of "playing church" on Wed. and Sun. nights and start LIVING a Christian life and trying to become "more like Jesus" like my blog says.

Thank you.

Laura

wow, it;'s been a long time

Hello! It's been a while since I got on here. I would LOVE to be able to write all my feelings out like a diary on here but I don't want to "expose" everything to "all" so I haven't been on here for a while. I have been going thru some things with my ex-husband who lives with me that have really been bothering me and I am going through something else that's "new" right now about him that we haven't discussed yet (and he will deny as usual) and I just wish I didn't worry like this. I don't know what to do about this problem and I don't know who to turn to about it except JESUS and I need to really seek His face and ask Him for the truth and remind Him that the Bible says the Holy Spirit will lead us to all truth, or something to that effect. Please pray for me that God will give me TRUTH because people just have a hard time giving it and I feel that MOST people don't want to tell me the truth, especially Paul but the Bible says that "God is not a man that He should lie". I KNOW He won't lie to me. That's all I want to say right now. Just please pray that the Lord will show me the truth no matter how hard it hurts.

It's Hard

You know, it's very hard to become like Jesus. Even though you really want to be like Him...you still have fears, doubts about things in life, trust issues with people, and issues with control, etc. I know I do. Like tonight...having a hard time understanding why Paul likes to stay out past 2am all the time. I call his cell phone at 1:30am he says he's at his dad's and I tell him he needs to come home; the kids have school and need to get up at 7:30am. He knows that, but still he stays out. So, I call him at 1:45am cause he's still not home...I ask him where he's at...he says "James's". I say, "you said a few minutes ago you were at your dad's." He says, "James called and needed to talk about something" (my guess is he's been there all night since he got off work, IF he's even at James's in the first place). I say, "Uh, you need to come home. What are you doing??" So, he says he's coming home soon. I cannot stress enough that he has a family and heck, I'm even awake waiting for him and he's OUT doing whatever to whoever and with whoever! The man wants to get married to me....is he really crazy or does he NOT understand that he has not one responsible bone in his body? Why would I want to marry someone who stays out all night, every night? Paul doesn't come home til past 2am most nights!!! I cannot deal with this much longer. He gets off work, sometimes by 9pm and sometimes later but still manages to stay out past 2am! I'm lucky if he's home by 1, and that's a miracle in itself. His excuse is usually, "You're asleep" (cause I get up at 5:30am for work)...uh, if that was every man's excuse who has a woman at home....they're wouldn't be very many marriages!! No wonder we're divorced still.

Well, that's my frustration today. I really want to become more like Jesus and Paul wants to do the opposite so it's going to be one long, tough road. My worry is...is he doing drugs? Is he having sex with someone? Is he OUT sinning like this? I have NO proof where he is, what he's doing, where he's going. First he says he's at his dad's, next he says he's at his crazy, psycho friend's house (Paul says that this James guy believes wholeheartedly that he can build a universe in a lifetime, also he built a water powered car, also he got offered a job doing nuclear testing or something with no experience, and much more!!!) Sounds like to me he's been "doing something" (drugs) !!!

Ok, that's all for now. Back to wondering if I should have posted this but I'm upset and wanted to vent. Who wouldn't?

Church 11-27-05

Today was church. It was sooo awesome! My sister who’s been going there since Aug. 7th this year has the stomach flu so she missed it. She’s not going to be happy that she missed communion cause we don’t do that often. My friend Jennifer started going to my church Aug. 7th also when Paul got baptized and she had never taken communion at this church before. We sang “Stand Up On Your Feet” and “Shout” and “Love You So Much” that I absolutely love and my sister Tina will be really sad she missed that too! I am praying for her that she get over the stomach flu today!! She doesn’t want to miss work. Today at church the sermon was about Thankfulness again and the TANGIBLE ways that we can show others that we live in Thankfulness to God on a daily basis. Something to that effect, I don’t have my notes with me right now. But, people should be able to see you, if you are a Christian, and be able to say, “Wow, he really is a humble person. He’s very thankful for everything that happens to him no matter what. He takes God seriously and wow, I’d like to be that content in my life.” That’s what I took away from the service this morning. I want people to know that I’m a Christian, that I am serious about my faith and I DO what I preach and DO what I believe..not just believe it but my “fruit” doesn’t prove it. Like, don’t tell your kids not to smoke when you smoke, and don’t tell people God is against lying but then you go and lie. God wants us to not LIE, He wants us to read His Word and be a DOER of the Word..not just a hearer. He wants us to be HUMBLE and to reverently FEAR Him..like Paul did. Respect God!!! There’s more but I don’t have my notes handy. I need to bring them in after church and go over them before bed. Maybe I should do that. God bless you!

Our Girls

These are Paul's and my precious children. Felicia is almost 10 and Skyelar is 6. Please pray for them with me everyday for them to do well in school and for their behavior to improve. God will know why. Thank you and God Bless!

November 19 2005

November 19, 2005

I am about to go to bed but I wanted to say that I am very proud of my sister Tina. She is staying strong in the Lord and she is not letting anyone steal her joy or bring her into sin. She is standing on Jesus, the Solid Rock! And I am very, very proud of her. She doesn’t even know how proud of her I am. Jesus took away desires of smoking, drinking, cussing, watching bad movies, etc. He has taken away MUCH sin in her life. I am overwhelmed with happiness when she tells me what God has done for her!!!!!! It makes my day to hear her talk about the Lord and it even builds my faith and when she talks about the Lord my love for Him grows and my love for her grows. She is so special and I am so glad she is becoming more Christlike EVERYDAY!!!!!

Becoming Christ Like every day

We need to become more like Christ everyday. If we are not doing that then we are either not saved in the first place or we have back slidden. Bottom line. I, for one, want to become more and more like Jesus everyday. I am REALLY trying everyday to do that. It's not an easy task, let me just say. BUT the Bible says Jesus said, "pick up your cross and follow me!!" That means KILL THE FLESH, resist temptation and FOLLOW Him (do His ways and Will). Well, that's my first post.