I think I will say something more

I just re-read my post from December 2005 when I said that I was worried Paul was doing drugs like when he would stay out past 3am and I'd call at like 2am and he'd say "I'm at my dad's" and then admit he really wasn't there but at his friend James' house. Well....on April 29, 2006 after a barmitzvah we attended, we came home and I had to bathe the kids and put them to bed. While I was about to do that I went into the living room and moved his jacket off the jacket to fix the couch cushion and felt a container of some kind thru his coat pocket. He was downstairs and I took this "something" out of the pocket. What to my wandering eyes should appear but....(not Santa either)....a container of something NOT GOOD. I won't get into what it was but it was NOT good at all and I started feeling VERY upset and shocked and (every emotion) and I also found a box of cigarettes after he said he quit in 2004. He's been smoking cigs when I am in bed or when he's not home and doing "other stuff" during those times as well. I put his jacket and those things in a bag and set it up somewhere and finished bathing the kids.

Paul comes upstairs searching for his jacket, going beserko looking for it and asking me where it was etc. And he kept going out to my car looking for his jacket and just looking under the couch and the cushions and everywhere going nuts for this jacket. Remember...I did not know he was doing these things. I've worried that he was doing drugs and wondering if he was smoking on the sly but had no PROOF of anything. I put the kids to bed thinking to myself, "Should I keep these things away from him for a day or two or a week or more and see how crazy he gets looking for his coat/things or should I have a little talk with him?" Well, he was driving me crazy looking for his coat and stuff and I went downstairs to get ready for bed cause we had church the next morning. He tells me he's going to go out AGAIN and look for his jacket.

I said, "Paul..what in the world is soo important about that jacket? You have more than one jacket!" and he said, "it's my rain jacket and I need it for tomorrow cause it's going to rain". I was like, "uh, ok...you don't need to go beserko looking for it." I told him to come into the bedroom and have a seat. He sat down and I locked the door behind me. I said, "I know where your jacket is and I know what's in it too." Right then he put his head down in shame or "uh oh I've been caught!" And he stared at the carpet. Mind you..I'm 31 and he's 30 and he should NOT be hiding things, lying, sneeking, acting like a kid and he KNOWS BETTER than to do what he was doing. He KNOWS I will NOT be with a smoker or a (you know what) of any kind. He knows that we will NOT be together if he does those things. He has known this since Feb. 1992 when we got together. Fourteen years later I am NOT going to change my mind!!! So...he's staring at the carpet and I'm talking calmly to him in a good tone of voice just saying, "you know what Paul. I go to Celebrate Recovery for my codependency issue and you need to go for your issues. Here's the deal with us...either you go to CR with me on Thu. nights from now on or we're history. I've had enough of the lies (he's adamently denied every accusation in the past 14 years concerning the things I just recently found) and I said, "I'm done. I'm totally done worrying about this and I'm not going to deal with it. I will take the kids and leave as soon as I can get money saved up or when the tax check comes next March or you are going to HAVE to get HELP and help NOW not later. Obviously you have an addiction and need help."

He ended up talking also when I asked him WHY he is doing it and I figured it was rebellion against me and he had an addiction to it and couldn't stop. He said it was a little of both. He also admitted to me a few days later that JAMES' house is where he always did (it) at and that he only gave (it) up for a little bit of time and restarted it soon after. He told my pastor in Jan. 2004 that he was FREE from (it) and then he got baptized Aug. 7, 2005 and he HATED anytime I EVER thought he had relapsed so I didn't talk about (it) much anymore after Jan. 2004. He admitted to me that he restarted in Summer 2005 so since it was not until Spring 2006 that I found out he was doing (it) again...he's been lying and hiding and sneeking for almost a solid year and not even blinking an eye about it. He's also been hanging out with gay men, for some reason, and that BOTHERS ME really badly. I don't get it! What is the matter with him?

He doesn't understand my problem with it. He doesn't hang anymore with straight men. He likes talking to a couple straight men at church but he doesn't "hang out" with them. His friends outside of work are just gay ones. So....what does this mean??? Someone at work thinks he perhaps is (both ways) and not "out of the closet" etc. etc. I NEVER thought of him in that way before but WHY WHY WHY then is his two best friends GAY MEN????? People at work told me "gay men do NOT hang out with straight men" and some said, "and straight men don't like hanging out with gay men". So....I'm worried about THAT now on top of everything else!!! And Paul lives here with me and our two girls ages 10 and 6 and we are supposed to be a FAMILY but he rather stay out til 3am hanging out with GAY men and doing BAD things and smoking cigs and he KNOWS I HATE IT and most of all GOD HATES IT. He doesn't hate the people he hates the ACT (the SIN). God loves the sinner but hates the sin. He hasn't told me to leave Paul or anything. He isn't saying anything about it. But WHAT in the world is Paul doing outside my home doors??? What is he doing at these gay men's houses? Are they going to gay bars too? What ELSE besides (the "it" thing) has or is he doing? What ELSE secrets is he hiding? I HATE the wondering and worrying and I can keep praying for him but it's easier to do if you didn't have to LIVE with him or think you were a "couple" with him and see him doing these things to you.

So....I welcome ANY AND ALL comments about this. Please comment and email me and tell me your thoughts. Please, above all, PRAY for Paul to stop sinning and turn his life completely over to Jesus instead of "playing church" on Wed. and Sun. nights and start LIVING a Christian life and trying to become "more like Jesus" like my blog says.

Thank you.

Laura